Tuesday, December 19, 2006

It Feels Great!!!

It feels so great to be able to be as honest as possible to people. I've done just that today after two-week long of thinking, thinking and thinking. Oh man, am I so ready.

You know those feelings when you look into someone's eyes and you know in your heart you have a lot to say besides how are you doing? You have been afraid of so many things to happen, say, rejection, disappointment, embarrassment. So you hold it inside of you--those simple honest truth that is true to your feelings. It makes that hard to breath, swollow, or simply smile when you have too much information going on in your head. I have been thinking about it every time I see this person. I was about to let my though go several times, but my guts fail me. I slept it through from one night to another then I knew I couldn't do this any longer. This stuff beated the crap out of me. So I woke up fresh and new this morning with a life mission: I was going to talk in a mature manner, expressing my feelings with no fear like there is no tomorrow.

I called the person I needed to confront right away when I walked out of bed. I told them I would be stopping by to have a conversation at so and so. I gave them a time range: "I will need 30 minutes out of your life and that will be all." Deal was on. I hung up the phone.

After the talk, I've never felt so alive. Yet, the outcome isn't what I wish it would be. They aren't that happy, but I am. I feel so relieve. I feel so free. During the talk, once the first word was out, the rest flew. I did all the walk and talk. I questioned and answered. I told them all I needed was just they to listen. This was what I had to say and I would pretend that this was my last day in the world. I made my speech and left them hanging. I am happy now. I say goodbye to the I-will-keep-this-shit-in-my-head-til-the-day-I-die phrase. I am a free man. Being able to express yourself is one thing, but being able to know I won't have any regret in the future for shutting up is priceless. Recommend this lesson to everybody! Do it once. You will get addicted.

2 comments:

Melissa said...

That's awesome you did that. I hold back what I feel too much. There's two people I want to say a lot to. I need to get it off my chest. Yeah they're both men. Men who fuck me over...and I keep quiet. Why? Because I'm stupid.

So good for you. Maybe I'll get the guts to speak to them. Even if they think I'm stupid at least I say it.

Pondering said...

Melissa

What are you talking about? You aren't stupid. It took me a while to let it all out and that was because I could no longer hold it back. I felt I was going crazy and thinking 'damn! I definitely would explode if I didn't do this' Still what I have said it out wasn't 100% about 98% though. I will let those little 2% out sometime before the New Year. It's a pre new year resolution!