I'm so tired today.

It seems like once I stepped into the office today, everybody wants me here and there, and no, this never is a good thing--ever. So I looked over my desk earlier on before leaving work this evening, if someone would mess up my paperworks--moving them here and there, tomorrow, I'd be so pissed. It can be very frustrating you know. Yep, I sound just like the rest of the world. I hate people move stuff I lay on my desk...not even a post-it. And oh, I've learned today that there is this botton on my desk phone that when I push it, it means no disturb. Calls go straight to voicemail. Emmm

It is so funny how certain livings in this world disgust me most, but don't seem to do that to others.

I've never really fond to flowers. Growing up, most of my gal friends were crazy over getting bouquets of flowers on Valentine's Day. When they get sicked, visitors are expected to bring flowers. Guests at the graduation day are expected to bring more flowers. Homeowners enjoy gardening, decorating their homes with, again, flowers. Flowers are everywhere, even food. Back in Thailand, there are Thai flower salads. How could you?

I don't dislike most flowers. I think they are okay--some are eveb pleasant to look at. But I'm not expecting anybody to give me flowers. Call me pathetic. I think it's a waste of money. These flowers die (in days!!!) and then what? Your love and caring are just gonna die too? if you hand me flowers for Valentine's Day. Anyway, flowers are alright. Some of them, like Lily, are actually pretty (again, if I get it at no cost.) But some flowers are just gross--say, sunflowers and venus flytraps. These guys are just disgusting. Now you may be wondering, I have got a few good reasons for not liking venus flytrap. This thing moves like a machine. This thing grows by killing another life. They look like bunch of giant green beans, yet kill. They know when to execute, when to release and when to tighten the poor victim up. They aren't even pretty. In short, they are gross. But here sunflowers. Lots and lots of people love sunflowers. Though I don't completely disagree. Sunflowers against bright blue sky---emm...look pretty good. Sunflowers in a long distance, look pretty nice. But sunflowers in a close up version? They are too tall, plus they do that little head nodding up and down when we folks aren't aware. They are just creepy.

Weather is perfect today in Indy. It has been around late 70s, bright, sunny sky with some clouds. I can't get enough of it.

Anyway, I ended up discussing personal forbidden topics. Issues that I haven't really and never want to really talk about...ever---politic, religion, races and world/ culture/ belief conflicts with a co-worker. I used to love talking about it. You know that kind of laying my thoughts (and others) on the table and sharing (well, debating to be exact) what I think, what they think, how I view things, how they view things and why. Conversations get better among good friends who can "listen" and "share" with "respects" and an "open-mind-ness." I've found these topics constructive among those who "can" handle the disagreements. It can be pretty educated and deep. Though, in the past few years, I've seen "destructive" sides of having this kind of conversations among those who aren't qualified (see highlights above) to be a part of these topic of discussion and it always ends up...well...nowhere really.

Well, I've just pondered. Conversation with a co-worker today has been on a good side. I'm just thinking what this would have been like if I talked to a wrong person. Just a thought.

Here are what I've been anticipating they will happen someday:

1) The day when tattoos are socially exceptable worldwide. I'm talking about no trash talk about tattoo lovers and their stereotype. Why is it so hard to believe that having a tattoo (or it can be plural) is not just a fashion? Any thought maybe people just love it?
2) Women photojournalists become a majority.
3) Voluptious ladies are beauties in Thailand.
4) No more whinning whether who's right, who's wrong in abortion, homosexualities, races and religions (also whether marijuana should be legalized or not comparing with alcohol.)
5) Minimum speed on the highway (and for those who can't keep up with it, there are this word called "local roads."
6) Men to be able to except women who speak up without having these control issues.
7) I say, get rid of all those judgements. Just because you disagree with it, doesn't mean it's wrong.
8) Also, seniors are as important as children. Just because they are old, this doesn't justify the fact that they are more important. I'm so sick of hearing, oh! kids are so precious and on and on. Seniors can be "the brain" if you know what I mean.
9) Allow drinking at 16--just because they are banned from bars, doesn't mean they follow the rules anyway. Probably safer to have them drink openly so that adults can watch and warn.
10) Make recycles free. Now city charges people for recycling (think how much you pay for the recycling trash.) Some say, don't even worry about that damn cycling if you are gonna charge people to throw their craps away to help the environment. Make it free....people will recycle everywhere.

I love summer. There are tons of reasons to love this lovely, sweaty seasons from bright blue sky to summery dresses, from sandals to outdoor cook-out smelling those charcoal grills. Yet, another reason to love summer is Cherries.

Yes, yes, yes, I'm talking about Cherries--rainier cherries, bing cherries and whatever cherries available in June, July and August. Love them, eat them everyday, many times a day. Comparing with other kind of fruits, cherries are quite pricy fruits. Here in Indianapolis, cherries are pretty much available almost all year round, but peak during this time of the year. During unpeak times, markets sell cherries, regular cherries, for about 6 bucks a pound. Rainier cherries are more expensive (they're also sweeter and juicier overall.) Personally I op for Bing cherries. Comparing with Rainier, Bings are less sweet with a hint of sour. Bings are deap red in color just like blood and satuated with tons of vitamin benefits and fibers. Anyhow, during this peak time, Bings are available for 2 bucks or so per pound. Today, I've bought them for $1.79 per pound, which is dirt cheap for cherries. Another reason to love this fruit, they are surprisingly fulfilling as far as those who love sweets. They actually help easing that 'urge' for ice cream (FYI: no fruits ever done this to me before. Top the ice cream? Seems almost impossible.) Love cherries since living in Thailand. My parents bought them from Australia if I get this right and I remember how much I loved them then. Cherries are rare in Thailand and I don't think we can grow them. They are mostly imported and sold very expensively.

See now, besides all of those reasons out there, what not to love about summer?

Oh yes, I have been talking to lots and lots of people about my upcoming trip to Thailand. Even if there's still a month and days before the date, but hey, I'm excited already.

Three weeks, they don't seem to be long enough to catch up with what I've been missing in the past three years. Too many people to talk to, too many things to do with too little time. When you live overseas, it makes you feel so little at times, especially when you hear something like, "Oh! Yui is getting married!," then " but hey, when does she have a boyfriend anyway?" I especially sounded a little out of date, especially last night when talking to one of my best friends in Thailand. So many changes have happened when I am gone.

There are times when I doubt if missing all those stuff are worth it. My sister emailed me my Pa's birthday party a few days ago. Heck, he looks a little older than last time I saw him. I though feel much like I've been missing all of these precious time I should've spent with family. This year must have been the first that so many family members have been sick, and that the guilt is out there for me to grab making me feel that I should have been there. Some times putting my voice via phone across the world doesn't seem to help at all.

Well....when did I turn my Thailand trip excitement into a big sad guilt trip?

Time

Time flies....

It's been ages since the last time I blogged. My only real reason of blogging is to keep an online diary since typing (in English where there aren't so many letters) seems to be almost too convenient nowday for myself...I mean, the online diary. Another indirect reason is here written (well, typed) online to share with friends who I haven't written to or bad in keeping in touch with to get to keep up with my thoughts and me (so that there won't be too many things they miss out when I get to talk to them next time, hopefully.) I don't mean to be so self involved, for your record.

But see, keeping an online diary is so far from writing a diary...an actually papers and pens diary. My thought is out there, no secrets whatsoever. There is no where-should-I-keep-my-diary kind of thoughts. There is no value as far as oh-gosh-if-so-and-so-read-this type of feelings. Online diary is pretty shallow (admitted by me who is writing this online by the way.) Personally, it's more like a self proclaim non-fiction/ fiction. You know there will be someone out there reading your craps. Oh! what if so and so reads this and that......oh........maybe I shouldn't have written this and that. Before I know it, I go back and re write my craps.

Nothing wrong with this online thing. Heck, who am I to say. I just wish that some time soon, I will be keeping my journal--the old way.

Self Relaxation Techniques

Spoke with a friend today about classic self relaxation techniques such as taking a deep breath--I don't think it works!

The thing is, I recognize my problem as far as anger control. I even think I have been going on for years without a diagnosis of bipolar disorder or maybe I just simply need to find a practical yet effective anger management class. Ok, back to self relaxation technique like taking a deep breath. A friend said that it helps you psychologically by concentrating on inhaling and exhaling--keep doing so repeatedly until you are eventually........relax *sign.* In addition to that she said, after breathing in and out, you will need to acknowledge your anger, frustration, agitation and whatever and however you are feeling, then tell yourself to stop thinking about that, moving on and developing positive thoughts. And that's supposed to help. She said it actually helps.

Earlier on today, some idiots at work took me off big time. Man, am I mad? Yes. I tried the above recommendations, but it lasted about 2 sets of in/exhales then BOOM, I got corrupted by bad thoughts. I didn't happen. I think I went off on someone (FYI: and don't really feel bad about it.) So far, taking deep breaths don't really help me as much, but going off on someone helps. Yelling is great and cursing is also a plus. Jeez, you know, after yelling for about 2 minutes, man...I actually did fell so damn great!

Me and Me

Lately, I've been feeling like most people who know me around here don't really know the whole me. And those who I believe, know as of knowing me back home, they don't really know the whole me. Confusing, isn't it.

Friends in Indy, of course, know me as of me in Indy version. I'm from Thailand and know me as of me living in the States. Me who gets grocery done at Meijer (occasionally Marsh,) washes my car semi-annually, goes to work on weekdays and at times on weekends, and me as of an Asian girl.

Now, friends in Bangkok, as well, know me as of me in BKK version. Me who used to live in Chiang Mai, grew up in Bangkok and have parents living in Bangkok as well. They basically know, as of really know me in between 5 years of age through about 20 years old. Now, anything in between 20 through 30.....not so sure.

So I get to sit down and think today, besides my parents, who out there really know me since day one through, well, right now. It sucks though when I really think about it. It's not like I really really care, but hell, it'd be nice if you know what I mean. Recently, I get to speak with one of a very very good childhood friends from elementary school whom I had not seen since....well, anytime over 15 years. It was a big surprise--a good surprise. Lots of things to catch up because her, as I last seen over 15 years ago, I didn't even remember what she looks like anymore (for a present look.) When she emails me the picture I then realize, damn! I am really missing something. Body count continues. Who else should I get in touch with????

Life outside Indianapolis

I like today.

First of all, I've talked to one of my childhood best friends I had not spoken/ seen for over 15 years. It happens that her sister works at the same place as a family friend who happens to know my sister. So here, she has my email address. I emailed her back. She called me just minutes ago. I am thrilled. I am very excited. The funny thing is: she studies at Ann Arbor, Michigan, which basically only four hours away from me.

Second cool story of today is: I finally bought the plane ticket to Thailand in August. My date of leaving, visiting home and catching up seems to be real now. This is great. I didn't realize how excited I was until the minute I submitted my credit card numbers. I am over the roof. I am all about it. I'm going to Thailand in a couple of months!!!