The First Love-Part Three

My eyes start to adjust a bit, but my mind doesn't. What I see seems so real and that I don't mean to come out in a cheesy way--the guy is standing two inches away from me. The same long-hair guy I saw on the train. The one I have been wondering who he was, and how I was gonna get to know him. He is introducing himself right here, right now. It is very promising.

The picture I saw--a smart-looking guy with oval-shape eye glasses wearing his straight hair down just touching his shoulder. Mick was wearing a dark green scottish t-shirt with a pair of faded ripped jeans along with flip-flop sandals. He seems like a misterious type kind of guy who doesn't seem to talk a whole lot. It was right around 11:3o pm when I put pieces together and realized how real this moment was. Mick said he has gotta go. "I had work to do," Mick said. A job at almost midnight?

It doesn't take other seniors long after Mick left to fill me in. Mick was a drummer at one of the hippiest bars in town--he has been doing this since he first arrived to Chiang Mai a few years back. He has his own bands, he is into drinking, partying, but to sit in the classroom listening to what professors have to say, it's not his cup of tea. After listening to what other seniors have to say, I still don't know him. I walked back to my dorm room wondering what tomorrow will bring. What's next week will be like. Who is Mick? Will we get along? Before I could even fill myself in with all those questions, I heard a phone ring. Another person on the line was Mick, "hey, I should have asked you sooner. Do you wanna come over here to see what I'm doing?"

The First Love-Part Two

I'm not a winning-lottery type of person, but if I've ever gotten lucky out of anything at all, this must have been it.

From the part one, that guy happens to be a year older and being in my department, which means, my chance is maximized into a it-may-happen-between-us type of thing. I'm 30 years old right now, so at this point when I look back, I know, that was a love at first sight (something I'm still afraid to admit it's real until years later.) You know that type of "liking" that turns into "loving" and turn into "breath-in-breath-out-thinking-about-his-face-all-the-time" kinda feelings. This guy, "Mick" (so there is, his name) is real. To tell this story right now, it sounds like boom-boom-bang-bang, but in the real life back in 1990s, it wasn't. My feeling has been built up bit by bit, from seeing him here and there everyday. Until one day after our freshie initial craps (FYI: This thing takes like months of boot camps,) it was time to find out who is gonna be my school brother or sister. This person shares my last three student codes and this person "is supposed" to take care of me for the whole year to get me started on my new life in college. Meaning, "this person" will have a brother/sister or sister/sister relationship with me, helps me with school works, goes to bars with me and list goes on. This will be a lifetime relationship. I remember how excited my friends and I were to meet "the one" who will introduce us to what/where/how around this new city and environment. Chiang Mai University has been known for this system. It's been proven it works. So here, I have my faith in there--looking forward to every minute of it.

I remember the seniors blindfold us into one of these room. It must have been passed 9:00pm at night. My friends and I stood there for 30 minutes or so, then we started to smell a scent of candle. We heard a song sung by seniors welcoming us to the life outside what we all came from. I felt a touch on both of my hands. I heard someone whisper into my right ear, saying "Welcome to campus. I will be your brother here. I will take care of you. From now on, you are my sister and bet this will last forever." Right when the song finished, "that person" took off the blindfold.

My eyes havn't adjusted to the fluorescent lights that have just been turned back on just yet, but all I could see at that moment was a picture of a long hair guy smiling at me, holding my hands, says, "My name is Mick, and I am your brother."

The Nasty Divorce (of a co-worker)

Here is what I don't understand: how doesn't someone think this is an affair when they slept with someone else besides their spouse?

I'm talking a soon-to-be ex-wife of a colleague. She was caught sleeping with a guy who literally lives a mile away from her husband's and her home. She had the guy sleep over along with their 2-year-old daughter while her husband was out of town. She slept with him, went out with him, slept in his house and list goes on. Yet, she (until right now, they are in the process of getting a divorce) doesn't think she has been having an affair. She calls it, "hanging out."

This sounds extremely pathetic. My colleague asks me today why she doesn't think she has been having an affair all along. Why does still deny it and acts as if it's okay to "hang out." Gosh...I don't think she doesn't know. I just think it's easier to keep denying it instead of admitting she is a slut. Well, see, I think, since she's been denying it now it doesn't only make her a slut, but a retarded lying slut all together. Thinking about this whole divorce thing he has been through, as much as I feel really bad for him, I also think he'd better off without her anyway. At the end of the day, the poor colleague of mine ends up with some attorney fees, court fees, headache custody, child support and on, on and on. Does Thailand's divorce case this complicated? Or is it just here?

The Whole Nasty Divorce-Case # 1

I've just now realized, I'm a pretty damn good listener--so far I've acted as a personal counseler to two divorcing cases. Several years later, I am now aware I had picked a wrong major in college. School of Psychology should have been my picked over a decade ago. Damn it!!!

The two cases have something in common--marriages break due to cheaters and those shady affair behind the scene. This is ashame. It gets me to think: why does some people get married anyway when they aren't even ready for commitment? See, I'm not a holy gal. I'm a pretty opened-minded person. But at least, if I've messed something up, I'm not ashame to admit it. At least I'd say, "I'm sorry. I mess it up." Then learn from it. There is no point for a blame game when it though looks so obvious you are the one who causes all these problems. Ah--hem, okay, let's get to the point here. The first case happens to a guy I know. A few weeks back, he's told me about details of his divorcing journey.--it'd be final soon, and that he will be left with nothing. His soon-to-be ex-wife gets the house, the car and parts of his business profits. He has to pay for child support and last, but not least, he claims, "my kids hate me."

Oh...poor thing. That was my first thought. But wait. After he blah blah blah about his life, now I've got an insight. The dude has been messing around with other girls the whole time he's been married. And if you may ask me, he's been married to his wife for like 19 years or so. They have two daughters together--one is 18, one is 16. Now the girls definitely hate him for an obvious reasons. When the kids are that old, they aren't innocent anymore. C'mon, they know what's been going on. They know their mom's been crying. They know their dad ain't faithful to their mom, and on top of all, both are girls. Of course, they aren't happy about it. Now he is asking me why his kids hate him. C'mon now. You've got to be an idiot for not knowing the 'right' answer.

Last weekend, I got a chance to talk to his younger child. She told me about hearing her mother cries and fights between the two. Even though it's just a sentence, but I could almost feel her pain. Now, I look at this father dude. He is whining about why his kids hate him and doesn't get it why. Gosh....he should have thought about it when picking up random girls in bars. I don't feel sympathy, it's just very frustrating to hear. If you may wonder, I didn't really say anything back, but ask him if he really needs the answer from me. Of course, he looked away.

Like I said, we all make mistakes. But the thing is that when you do make mistakes, do you learn from it? Do you have some kind of guts to admit you fucked up?

The First Love-Part One

Rewinding almost 13 years ago, it must have been love.

As cheesy as it sounds, it was love at first sight while riding the train to Chiang Mai as a freshie. The gracious look of the guy had changed on whole perspective of going to Chiang Mai and would be there for another 4 years. My heart was pumping and it had never been like that before. I knew I wanted to find out more of who he was--that skinny long-hair guy with ripped jeans (well FYI: back then, I was so into that long hair/hippie/ artistic/ music kinda guy, which well considered cool-as-hell. Again, back then.)

So I didn't know his name and basically knew nothing about the guy. All I knew was I wanted to get to know him somehow. As far as I was concern, he was marching back and forth in my bogie for a while, so chances were, he would have to be in my faculty, which put my chance into a great spot for a starter. The thing was that, my faculty--faculty of humanity--consisted of countless of departments like French, mass comm, philosophy, psychology and the list goes on. So we were talking about fishing here my friends. How was I supposed to get to know the guy by the way. I didn't talk to him at all nor knowing his name or even nickname. I was praying for the best--a great fluke. I got off the train and went on with my little orientation.

During out initial pledge (I don't even know what it's called, but you know those seniors/freshies torturing craps after school?) CMU had a heavy one for freshies. Lots of exercises, walking, running, sweating and all those torturing stuff, but hell, I was tough. I had this can-do attitude, so whatever the seniors wanted me to do and did it with no excuse (this will be included in another blog. I want to blog about this hot guy now.) Anyway, during that time, I started seeing more of him. The guy seemed to be around a lot during our activities stuff and one night, he introduced himself to us, freshies, as a sophomore in my department. Bingo! it felt just like I had won a lottery. He was in my department and only a year older. Man, how can I be so lucky. The thing was that after a few months long of stuff I had been through, there was this one night............................sorry, will blog more.

The Consequences

After being a yesterday brave girl, today I have faced its consequences of trying to be open. It is awkward as hell.

The person I talked to: they (see? no gender here.....I wanna keep it anonymous lol) probably think they are playing the field in my very own home game. They can feel me and see what I have been through, what I have been thinking or even feeling. It was so straight because I know I am one of the best never-show-real-feelings person and that I am proud of it. So when I let it all out yesterday, they feel they can read me entirely. Well, not exactly right people. I have another 2% to share and that it will be out there by the new year. It's my pre New Year resolution. Anyway, I am very proud of my decision to speak whatsoever.

One time in the past, I let my words and my questions go. There was this guy (gosh! this is such an old-school story!) I had so many questions to ask him. There were so many stuff I wanted to let him know, but I never did. I let my chances slip away because of fear. It was overwhalming you know those feelings. By the time I realized, the chances were gone. I never allowed myself to say what I had gotta say and once the opportunity said goodbye, I missed the boat. I still regret until today. So I've learned. You live once. You put yourself out there doing whatever you gotta do. Life is simple. You make a decision and you don't look back. Gosh! love this phrase.

It Feels Great!!!

It feels so great to be able to be as honest as possible to people. I've done just that today after two-week long of thinking, thinking and thinking. Oh man, am I so ready.

You know those feelings when you look into someone's eyes and you know in your heart you have a lot to say besides how are you doing? You have been afraid of so many things to happen, say, rejection, disappointment, embarrassment. So you hold it inside of you--those simple honest truth that is true to your feelings. It makes that hard to breath, swollow, or simply smile when you have too much information going on in your head. I have been thinking about it every time I see this person. I was about to let my though go several times, but my guts fail me. I slept it through from one night to another then I knew I couldn't do this any longer. This stuff beated the crap out of me. So I woke up fresh and new this morning with a life mission: I was going to talk in a mature manner, expressing my feelings with no fear like there is no tomorrow.

I called the person I needed to confront right away when I walked out of bed. I told them I would be stopping by to have a conversation at so and so. I gave them a time range: "I will need 30 minutes out of your life and that will be all." Deal was on. I hung up the phone.

After the talk, I've never felt so alive. Yet, the outcome isn't what I wish it would be. They aren't that happy, but I am. I feel so relieve. I feel so free. During the talk, once the first word was out, the rest flew. I did all the walk and talk. I questioned and answered. I told them all I needed was just they to listen. This was what I had to say and I would pretend that this was my last day in the world. I made my speech and left them hanging. I am happy now. I say goodbye to the I-will-keep-this-shit-in-my-head-til-the-day-I-die phrase. I am a free man. Being able to express yourself is one thing, but being able to know I won't have any regret in the future for shutting up is priceless. Recommend this lesson to everybody! Do it once. You will get addicted.

My Problem

I've been so frustrated today, knowing I really have a problem.

I remembe someone once said to me that I have a problem maintaining a subtle lifestyle. When something goes really well for a certain period of time, I start to freak and look for something challenging. Frankly, I am always looking for troubles. When something is right there for me..spoon-fed kinda thing, I tend to skip it and look at it as a boring-I-can-get-it-whenever-I-want sort of mentality. When 'that thing' starts to move and seems out of reach, that's when I feel the 'desire' to obtain it. What's wrong with me?

It's like there is a piece of candy laying on the table in front of me (which isn't my favorite flavour,) I will not really care about it. But once someone start reaching for that candy, I at the same time, start feeling like "no! that's mine. It's laid in front of me and I don't want to give it away." All of the sudden, I want that candy even though I know in my heart, I will not eat it once it belongs to me. Yeah...what's wrong with me?

This mentality has bugged me throughout the day and beated the crap out my my head. Do I have a problem?

Law of Attraction

Call me shallow. I believe physical attraction is important--not that important, but important if you know what I mean.

I have had several conversations with many friends in the past about this. It is an endless topic to talk about. Who said physical attraction isn't important? Some may say no, but bet they are in denial. Say, you meet someone for the first time, the very first thing you will see is what they look like. Are they light skin? Are their eyes blues? Are they chubby, skinny or average? Are they ugly, pretty or hot? These are what you will see at first....far before these questions: Are they nice? Do they have a good heart? Are they funny? Are they an asshole?

So first impression is everything. Before you get to know the person, their 'face' and 'figure' are what you are gonna see first. 'Personalities' and 'heart' will be the next stop, and will take a while to figure that out. In some cases, it may take you weeks or months to figure someone's personality. When someone asks me how to I feel about so and so, my answer is usually, "I don't know, give me another few weeks."

This is what I just start to admit when I am close to turn 30.

One Night in Broad Ripple

9:00pm: Man...last night Dena's Sea Bass in Clam-Cream sauce was awesome!!! It's been while that I actually eat a great dish that I basically almost licked the whole plate up. I got to Bleecker Street around 9pm with Dena who co-owns the restaurant and bar with her ex-husband. New York style deco isn't bad at all actually. Mainly black wall, bricks based and lots of photos of NYC building totally take me away.

10:00pm: We saw Dena's ex sitting with his new little girlfriend. I was thinking...what an ass! Why would he bring his new GF to a place of business that basically his ex wife and sons work there. The girl is so young....literally younger than his youngest son. You see this picture. The solely reason the girl is with him is clear---money.

10:30pm: Dena's son walked in. You see this half Caucasian/ American, half Jordanian who is super cute.

11:00pm: We relocated to the Usual Suspect next door since the music at Bleecker Street was getting pretty loud. The next door bar reminded me of those upscale bar in Bangkok. Only that, the bartender is extremely cute. I told Dena, she definitely needed to recruit this Jake guy for her new restuarant.

12midnight-3am: We didn't wanna go anywhere anymore. Since Dena's knows the owner, all drinks were pretty much free. This was probably the first night in a very very long time, I actually drank wine. Even though the place wasn't that fun or anything, it was a great place to hang out since it wasn't very crowded and loud.

3:10am: Okay...I should have expected this coming. My car and Dena's were parked behind Bleecker Street. Before leaving Usual Suspect, Dena whispered me that she wanted to go inside Bleecker again to see her ex. I didn't even doubt....man..should have seen it coming. Once we walked inside, Dena went straight to the young girl who was with her ex. The conversation (if you wanna call it 'conversation' went like this:
Dena: (hugging the girl) Hey do you know who am I?
Girl: (giggle) No..I don't know who the hell you are. (for the record, she knows.)
Dena: You know....B**** You know you are younger than my youngest son? That is sick.

--------conversation went on while I was standing there....so uncomfortable. By the time I knew it, I was calling out for Dena's son (who is a bar manager there) that this may be time for him to stop 'the conversation.' Her ex though dragged Dena back into the kitchen asking what the hell she was doing. We left a little later, but sat in my car with light off staking the situation. Yes..seems that Dena's little mission was completed. The two were fighting and that they didn't know we were watching.

3:40am: I was driving back home, thinking...."gosh...divorce is something you really don't want in your life."