Impatience

I really don't like myself today for not able to be willing to wait patiently. I know, for the most parts, I have gotta take some times and see how things are going to turn out. Just like a classic advice; "only time can/ will tell".

Nope, that classic crap doesn't apply to many things on my mind today, and actually doesn't seem to fit well in many aspects of my life lately. It's so freaking frustrating and constantly driving me nuts! I mean, at some points, I feel, my anxiety is hitting the roof top; leaving me feeling like shit (excuse my language). It's not a so called *down* feeling, but more of a stupid obsession kinda thing. Hard to explain. That kinda feeling of wanting to speed-things-up-a-little-so-I-don't-waste-my-time feeling is making me hot inside. It's weird. I seem to get that a lot lately.

So I think I need to start spending more time alone; sorting things out. Maybe this is just me or something that I do that causes this crap. Maybe I shouldn't raise expectation or not having any expectation to start with. Maybe I should start thinking about me more and concentrate on today only.

Gas Price

I heard that gas price will be going up to $4.99 a gallon some times pretty soon. My thoughts are:

1) WTF!!!!!
2) Biking will be a great exercise (plus save $ too).
3) What was I thinking buying a car that eats gas like a freaking gas pipe! 17 miles a gallon!!!?? I didn't even think about that when I saw its sunroof, 6-disc CD player, leather seats and all those craps.
4) I've just pumped $50 in gas on this past freaking Saturday for an almost full tank, but here it is Monday morning, another $40 spent on halfa tank. WTF!!!

Thrill of the Chase

There is really SOMETHING *thrilling* about stuff that is hard to obtain--the harder, the better...the more challenging in a good way.

I don't think I need that in my life at this time. It's just not too healthy for me. What I really need is something that is easier to get and that I need to learn to appreciate what I have in general. I think I need to learn how to really kick back and relax and have the see-what-happens mentality. My mother's always thought me to be patient and to believe that if something is mine, it will always be mine without even trying. If something doesn't mean to be mine, I can try as hard as I can, but it's still not mine. I believe that. I want to be able to adapt that to my lifestyle. I think that is good for me.

Reality is, my ass is always doing the exact opposite. WTF. Anything that is there for me, I tell myself it can wait. I pretty much take it for granted. Anything that is not though, man, I pursue that aggressively. How do I change that? It can be tiring.

Pure Frustration

I have been so pissed off today on something I have ZERO control over.

So a month or so ago, the company I work for has been merging with another one. Problem is all the PTO (paid time off) I have collected, they said they were going to pay it off, cut me a check blah blah blah. My first piss-off is...I didn't even ask for it. Vacation is another thing money can't buy. Money can buy you a nice vacation, but vacation will not happen without PTO. See, now you know how I feel about losing my PTO.

Anyhow, I have over 100 hours of PTO, which is equal about $3000. It sounds pretty nice at first to have a big chunk of money coming my way, but heck, I realized a week or so that this check is taxable.

So receiving the check is morning is really painful. I will not be able to get over this for a while. $700 taken out? WTF!!!!! I could have used that for a little vacation time!!!!

Weird Week

These past two weeks have been weird.....very weird.

Weird # 1 There was a fire at my apartment on August 7th. This drunk dude on the third floor decided to set his t-shirt on fire. As a result, everybody had to evaculate. Two rooms on the second floors were ruined. I got lucky, my apartment is almost untouched. But see, since there are some leaking on the third floor, my landlord put five industrial fans in my cribs. Very annoying.

Weird # 2 People. I have met a few weird/ confused people in the past two weeks. Normally this doesn't happen to me a whole lot, but for some odd reasons, I guess I hit the jackpot in the past two weeks.

Weird # 3 As much as I think motorcycle is dangerous, I got on one today. It reminds me so much of what adrenerine is and how much fun it can be to just go fast regardless. I wore the helmet tight so that if something ever happened, all my brain will be in the same place, LOL.

Weird # 4 I used to hate texting. *used to* I used to think texting is such as weird hobby and wondered why people don't just call each other. Now I'm a texting junkie. I even got an unlimited texing on my phone over the weekend....very weird.

There are a few other weird stuff going on. I wonder what's up with my life?!

That easy????

Guess it shouldn't be something to brag about. Hey! World.....my blog's reading level is *HIGH SCHOOL*. Wow......what a big shock!

Let me go bang my head against the wall a few times fellas. I need some times to get myself together a bit, drag my truely self out of misery, being depressed a few more days and I will be back.

What the *uck!!!!

.....and I thought I write smart.......

The Hassle(s) of Growing Old

When I really think about it, constantly living for 3 decades and months should be about celebrations (we are talking about living, eating, sleeping minute by minute everyday for 365 days for over 30 years, it should all be about woo-hoo.)

The down side? I'm really getting old. I didn't realize until I get to talk to a doctor another day and he reminds me to start getting some physical examinations done by a family doctor. A *family doctor* huh? American ways are always complicated. My current ENT won't take my blood pressure. I have to go to a so-called family doctor.

So flipping through my insurance book for an in-network MD (another complicated American way,) I found one. So I called, made an appointment and will be off seeing him on Thursday. Being a 30-year-old makes me sick. I have to worry about my cholesterol, blood pressure, decrease in metabolism and my biological clock ticking away (come to think about it. worrying too much about my bio clock = binge eating = high cholesterol = high blood pressure = back to MD = being older than 30.) Being old sucks!

My dad also keeps reminding me of how important it is for me to eat well--all greens and colorful fruits. How I should decrease my sodium intake and fatty goods out there. How often I should work out. How much I should sleep.

Since my 30th birthday a few months ago, these should-do list starts pouring, flooding from different directions. I get to think how wonderful life must have been back when our ancestors were all cavemen; not having to worry much since they didn't get to live long anyway. *sign*

And I mean in a very respectfully reasonable way--as simple as that.

Politic(s)

Responsible citizens must be concern about politics, eh?

I've never been concern about it, never really like talking about it, never really think too much of it. I'm never politically involved in any aspect of it. Politics make things complicated.

The way I look at politics is--it just makes life complicated.

In the past few months have been the most boring moment of my life. Every Thailand-related website seems to be obsessed over their former PM. Boring. What do they think they will do about it?

We all need to learn to move on. However, in certain circumstances, people seem to struggle from one generation to another.

I'm so tired today.

It seems like once I stepped into the office today, everybody wants me here and there, and no, this never is a good thing--ever. So I looked over my desk earlier on before leaving work this evening, if someone would mess up my paperworks--moving them here and there, tomorrow, I'd be so pissed. It can be very frustrating you know. Yep, I sound just like the rest of the world. I hate people move stuff I lay on my desk...not even a post-it. And oh, I've learned today that there is this botton on my desk phone that when I push it, it means no disturb. Calls go straight to voicemail. Emmm

Here are what I've been anticipating they will happen someday:

1) The day when tattoos are socially exceptable worldwide. I'm talking about no trash talk about tattoo lovers and their stereotype. Why is it so hard to believe that having a tattoo (or it can be plural) is not just a fashion? Any thought maybe people just love it?
2) Women photojournalists become a majority.
3) Voluptious ladies are beauties in Thailand.
4) No more whinning whether who's right, who's wrong in abortion, homosexualities, races and religions (also whether marijuana should be legalized or not comparing with alcohol.)
5) Minimum speed on the highway (and for those who can't keep up with it, there are this word called "local roads."
6) Men to be able to except women who speak up without having these control issues.
7) I say, get rid of all those judgements. Just because you disagree with it, doesn't mean it's wrong.
8) Also, seniors are as important as children. Just because they are old, this doesn't justify the fact that they are more important. I'm so sick of hearing, oh! kids are so precious and on and on. Seniors can be "the brain" if you know what I mean.
9) Allow drinking at 16--just because they are banned from bars, doesn't mean they follow the rules anyway. Probably safer to have them drink openly so that adults can watch and warn.
10) Make recycles free. Now city charges people for recycling (think how much you pay for the recycling trash.) Some say, don't even worry about that damn cycling if you are gonna charge people to throw their craps away to help the environment. Make it free....people will recycle everywhere.

Oh Yeah

Some people loves attention. The more you give it, more you satisfy their needs. Though I always believe, negative or positive attentions, it doesn't matter. Attention is attention whether it's a bad one or good one.

See, I've come across this news (well, not really news) about Paris Hilton probation violation thing and I think, now, here is more attention. Some men I know say that the reason, "well, you girls hate Paris because she is rich and beautiful." Yeah, rich, maybe. But beautiful, heck no. I wouldn't define that as beautiful, really. Anyway, so I've came across a column written by Leonard Pitt, JR in Detroit Free Press (FYI: my fav newspaper) about her. The first paragraph sounds pretty good to me. It goes: "Are you heartbroken that Paris Hilton has been sentenced to jail? Me neither. I take it as welcome evidence that occasionally karma gets it right and the universe slaps those most in need of slapping. Rarely has comeuppance been more desperately deserved." And it goes: "Not just because she is a famous-for-nothing socialite, nor just because she is an empty vessel inexplicably adored by people for whom vacuousness is apparently synonymous with worth."

The last paragraph reads like this: "Consequences may arrive late, but they almost always arrive. Something for Hilton to consider as she spends 45 days wearing an orange jumpsuit and taking group showers in a little place I like to call reality. It couldn't happen to a more deserving person."

Family tree

It is getting old.

I've been hearing this in the past few years about how women should embrace their body, think Dove commercial. How we should embrace our wrinkles, skin, body, smiles...lists go on. This sounds cool and empower me for a few months, but heck, when I hear this over and over, I start to get tired of it. Soon, it turns out to be annoying, well, at least somewhat.

I love myself...I love myself very very much, though, there is one BIG part of me that I struggle to love--my legs. You know legs are parts, well, big parts of my body that are pretty hard to ignore. I feel that if I put both of my legs alone on a scale, they would weigh more than third of my body weight--and I mean, really. I inherit my legs (their shape and size, especially) from a side of my family (though I'm a little reluctant to point a finger towards one way or another, lol.) My legs remind me that there is no way in hell I was adopted. I'm definitely a product of this family, and that an evidence shows.

It is so damn hard to find a perfect pair of pants that fit me properly with the width and the length, especially "the length." Thank to this "issue" I face everyday. I am reminded everyday to think about my family and how I am a big part of the cult.

Words Use

I went to Indianapolis Star online public discussion yesterday and there is this one discussion has sparked me to add a comment. How do you call something national like Super Bowl a WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP when the sport is played nationally?

Now I understand, when two words--world--and--championship--are collided, they make things sound so EXTRAordinary like you are the best...you are the best in the world. As much as I really enjoy our local Colts World Championship, however, it sounds funny every single time I hear or see it. See, it's American Football (where the only two positions use foot to kick and where the rest of the world have already claimed the word "football" in refer to "soccer," which is a sport that really use foot to kick, except for only one position that uses hands--goalie.) I know some countries like Japan starts to play American football recently, but it's like a hobby you know. It's like a trend. When someone uses the word WORLD following by anything at all (world soccer, world trumpet player, world italian chef etc.,) I normally think of the best of the best. The best in so and so who has competed with those (in the same industry) all around the world to win the word WORLD....whatever that follows. If Thailand wants to have this Tra-Krow Championship game and say, Thailand wins, wow! how proud would that be to be titled as World's Tra-Krow Champion when there are probably Thailand and a few of our neighbours who know HOW-TO play? I say, it's lame.

Speaking of American football, it's like a national game--just call it National Championship or something like that. Trying to speak of some Americans out there, jeez, they really take it personally.

Snow and Bad Drivers

Finally, out REAL snow has arrived, yesterday. Between 2-4 pm, it has already added up to 4 inches. I was sitting inside my office yesterday and all has been through my head was: "how the hell am I gonna make it out here?" Repeat.

Looking over to the main road, there were two things I saw: 1) cars getting stuck, not moving. Ten minutes later, same cars still parked on the same spot--probably been moving a few inches or so. 2) more snow. I heard a colleague saying something about I-70 was closed due to some semi-trucks wrecking. Our receptionist said her boyfriend had been on the road for 3 hours now. I called Dan, he said his tank was almost empty though he had been in his car for over 2 hours. Yesterday evening was such a wreck. I heard my boss pondered, "oh this snow is so beautiful!" Well, wait till you hit the road and say that again.

I'm an okay driver in a fair weather. I'm a bad driver in rain. I have become a desasterous driver when it comes to snow, and I know it. I'm dangerous to myself and a car nearby. Yesterday night, I managed to get home safely (surprise, surprise.) The whole way home, I was thinking what the hell I am doing here. Indianapolis is so damn cold and I'm definitely not made for it. Snow is pretty and dreamy, BUT wait till you see what it will look like the day after (such as today.) It's wet, nasty and very slippery. No so pretty afterall.

AM Phobia?

There is definitely something wrong with me--I just can't sleep. No, not exactly insomnia, but this comes only when I know I have to get up VERY early the following day, such as tomorrow!

This might sounds a little silly, but in a few hours, I will have to get up--now 1am, counting 1,2,3,4,5 so about 4 hours, and I'm still up and runnin. What's up with me. I've noticed this several times. Whenever I have to get up before 5, I will never sleep at all. It's not like I'm not tired. Now I'm tired as hell, but my mine is just too awake. It's not like I run a stressful life. Tomorrow is one of those easiest day..not meeting, no exciting craps. Hell, what's up with me. Now I'm watching Rachel Ray, Food Network $40 a day.

Tomorrow..I will definitely feel like shit--all day long.

The Moody People

It seems that every time I am in a great mood, I always run into those bitch-ass bastards (excuse my language here) out there who act like they haven't slept in weeks. My problem is, these people turn their problem into mine. Moody is contagious as well as bad attitude. Like on my way back from the gym this morning, I was extremely in a great mood. My blood flew great, my crooked thighs felt alright, my mind was high..up there in the air, until I ran into this stupid bitch at Kroger. I don't even want to mention the details.

I think that book 'Don't Sweat...' should definitely be added into my smalll-size book collection. In case I, someday, feel like kicking somebody's ass. That book can be handy from time to time.

i DO believe in medications # Part 1

I should have been more humble about this whole medication thing. Years ago, Thailand was so obsessed with this whole go-back-to-natural concept by Dr. Satit. "When your body feels sick, leave all these chemical-artificial craps as the last choice. Clean your body with natural substance. Rest your eyes. Relax your body. Eat in moderation. Go organics." Well, I wish I could have done it. I wish I can do it. It sounds so damn good to me--thinking about my healthy self with healthy pink brush on my cheeks and that my body feels so freaking good cause I let it be O'naturaaaaaaalllll.

Yeah! I wish I could do it. I wish I eat healthy, exercise regularly, rest 8 hours a day, go to bed in an appropriate time, and rise early to stretch. Nah....That will never happen--not anytime soon.

Especially the whole refuse-medication part. Man! do I love medication? and thank those scientists everyday for inventing Claratin D and Tylenol and Advil Liquid Gel. Don't I love them. Don't I love taking them. Some times I feel as if I rush it. I take medications too soon--as soon as I get a slight headache, I go for my Rx cabinet by the refridgerator. What can I say? I have bad sinus infection, plus countless types of allergies. At one point, I know the idea of going O'naturaaaalll ain't that bad of an idea at all--dust your damn apartment, eat lots of veggie, drink lots of water and blah blah blah. Well as far as I know, here it is, a 1000mg vitamin C from GNC and my green drinks from Target.

What I don't understand

1) Why is skydiving fun? (wanna be a bird? Try helicopter)
2) Why is bunjyjump fun? (have y'all ever heard of Final Destination?)
3) Why dating a married man? (you know he will never leave his so-called wife anyway.)
4) Why holding someone's hands forever? (believe me: recently I got to talk to this 40 something years old guy who swears he will hold his 35-year-old brother hands forever. I told him he can never do that. Someday he will die and what then. The guy told me, "oh! if I die, my brother'd die too." This is just plain pathetic!)
5) Why do people say the LOVE word so loosely?
6) Why is baseball fun to watch? (playing will be a different subject though.)
7) Why are some people so afraid of intervention? (like it's gonna be the end of the world.)
8) Why does matter if gay marriage will be legal? (none of anyone business to me.)
9) Why does one of the largest airlines like Northwest have a very bad customer service? (in my area.)
10) Why can't I read more?

The Coming Monday

I'm sad. Tomorrow is Monday.

I took a long break in the past week to hang out with my sister and now Monday will be coming in a few hours. I've never liked Monday and that hate of Monday has expanded into Sunday hating as well. It doesn't matter how much I like my job, Monday is still a day from hell--lots of working awaiting, and plus my work engine has been cooling down during the weekend, and that to warm it up again, this will take a shit load of work and efford. Gosh I hate Monday.

Uncomfortable Situation

I have heard people say that business is business. Once you are in a business, it should strictly stay that way.

I believe it is true.

But it isn't easy when I actually have to do it you know. This guy owns a restaurant I work, part-time. He is a very nice guy and is basically a good friend to everybody including me. I look up at him and always think of him as a brother, so do everybody. The thing is that in the past few months, business hasn't been doing really good. There hasn't been a whole lot of ups, but multiple downs. A few weeks back, I started catching up with a few things and realize how bad restaurant financial is. I'm talking about the guy can't even afford to pay his employees.

What make me mad is that: as much as of a nice guy he is, what he has been doing isn't very nice. He writes bad checks and not even bothers to let anyone know. He can't afford to pay his chef, his waitresses, his prep and even his rent. End up, nobody has got paid yet in the past month and everybody is frustrating. When this matter has been brought up to him, the guy gets real personal and upset. He doesn't get it. He feels that he is in a bad situation and nobody cares about him. I listen to him raving about his for a while, thinking, even though I feel bad for you, but it is your business and that your employees must get paid. Period. It's just the way it is. His restaurant isn't my resource of income, so it doesn't affect me, but it is the only income for the rest of his employees. They have to pay bills, don't they. Of course, he doesn't really get it.

I think his main problem is his lifestyle in general that cost so much money. The guy lives in high life and does things like a high roller. He has three cars, a house, an apartment and some craps that he doesn't even need it. How can you afford to maintain your business if all the money you make only go straight to support your luxury life. I just can't see it.

Now I am counting my checks. Got 5 total and worth about $1500. They are just pieces of worthless paper now, aren't they. lol